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Yesterday was the 60 day mark in my recovery journey. I stared at this blank screen for hours before I started writing. I knew I had something to say, but for the first time in a long time, I had no idea how to express everything I had to say without seeming chaotic. But, that’s how I work best.

I always ran down memory lane, but it wasn’t until I entered treatment that I could stop and understand what was AND has happened. I’ve thought deep about the fact that I’ve been in this same cycle of use/drinking over the past two decades. As I got older and the problem became more than a small issue in the back of my head I got better at hiding what was happening daily. This addiction became a part of my life and even in my happiest and proud moments I needed to augment. I think about the shooters in the bathroom at my place of work, or waking up with a 6 shot cocktail to even function; and at the beginning of this journey…I felt disgusted with myself. How could I let this happen to me? Don’t I know better?

Those questions continue to enter my thought process but I understand and ACCEPT that I cannot change those times; but embrace who I’ve become because of the dark times. I am still early in the recovery journey and still have a lot of learning to do; yet I’ve progressed to a new stage of trusting myself, my process, and confidence. I’ve already seen the upside of things (back to writing & playing live shows (Video below)), so I’m excited to pick up where I was before things got out of control. 

I know I have so much more to work through and as I invite these changes in my life it’s becoming easier to see the root of the unexplainable issues. It feels like I’ve always had the answer of what I needed to do…but like with many things in life, it doesn’t matter; especially if the problem still exists. If there’s no map with detailed instructions on how to work to the solution in everyday life, you get lost. It’s now becoming the way I deal with things each and every day. If there is anyone out there reading that are dealing with addiction problems…don’t doubt that help can actually do good. 

Looking back to previous relationships I can see why they burned down in cinematic fashion. Being able to now pause and own emotions and thoughts are a tool I didn’t realize I hadn’t mastered. During active addiction I wasn’t me I was wrong a lot…in relationships, life, and my world; but I can’t know what I don’t know. Make sense?

This is part one of a series I’m writing trying to get deeper into everything that’s transpired. If anyone wants to reach out, share, or talk about this topic…I’m an email away. Take care and I’ll see y’all on the next one. 

Here’s a video of me performing at the “Free Recovery Church” for the first time…SOBER since I first began making music nearly 20 years ago. I was naturally nervous and enjoyed a natural high afterwards.