I’m currently writing this in residential rehab/treatment. A place I never thought I would ever end up. I did my absolute to hide my functional addict side of me. I was working a full-time job, writing, and dealing with everyday life; all this while drinking handles of vodka each day.
I had become a professional at hiding the severity of my problem while fighting with my dark passenger. Although I was functioning (at 60%), I eventually got to a consumption level that made me feel like a captain drilling a hole through the bottom of the ship. Sinking slowly.
One the slowly sinking ship started taking water…I started to notice. Always being self aware and logical I was worried at how this happening was even possible. But the truth is…im an alcoholic.
I ended up in Denver three weeks ago, visiting my now ex-girlfriend, staying with her and missing flight after flight back home.
I came to the conclusion that I needed help so, while some force guided me to it; I went to a hospital to safely detox from the withdraws. Now i’m here, 7 days sober in rehab…meeting new people daily. Days full of therapy and meetings and nights in AA and CA meeting. I am content in this moment and look forward for what is to come.
Feel free to comment or share your story…being connected helps on this journey
I feel it’s been creeping up on me slowly and I’m not sure how to feel about it; physically I feel fine, mentally…I understand how its grasp affects me.
I’m still figuring it out and I’m in a better position than twenty-two year old me was in…is that really saying things positive? I digress to say this to be too depressed, dark, or unappreciative, but I feel I have enough life knowledge and intellect to have been further than to be where I am now.
I’ve been afforded some pretty amazing opportunities over the years in my life and I feel I have an apt to fumble it. Why? Is what Im asking myself everyday. I feel like I’m not alone in that feeling but I enjoy having the able to listen to songs like this to take me to simpler times. Not to say I don’t enjoy life…because I do.
Being around people that are younger and the lack of insight they have…it worries me. Because what advice could I give them to be where they want to be before the years begin to pass faster like an early spring thunderstorm.
I enjoy being positive in my life for myself and those around me but all of those thoughts still appear in the back of my complex mind. The years have made it easier to navigate the future. I just hope I can help be the light to take others to their ideal destination.
So, although I’ve been reluctant to admit…my life has been on pause. For whoever is reading this, that simply means I’m not failing…or winning enough to feel anything is a win or loss. I’m stuck where I am currently. After the move back home and the breaking of my engagement, with someone I truly loved; learning myself and figuring how to be moderately center, is FUCKING confusing.
I feel I’m more on the spiral track on a train that will not derail…because I have control, even if that control is a facade at times. Although it feels devastation, missing what it was with her back in Denver…feeling I failed after another college dropout and still unsure what I’m doing in life…I make the best of it.
Whether it be at my job…taking half of a saturday with a co-worker that actually make it enjoyable to pick up trash from the premise (even if you almost passed out lol), or taking the time to enjoy the beautiful of the night sky and the stars, planes, and satellites that fill the sky while on a walk with my dog. Or how a feeling a song gives me and changes my entire vibe. And how the understanding that not EVERYTHING needs an answer right now helps me get a grip of the chaos of daily life. Find those moments.
Life, or my life recently are about those moments. There’s laughter and smiles in every minute of the day…I always felt I fully absorbed those times but now I understand them. I’m now figuring out how to act accordingly.
Oh yeah…also, this is a music-ish blog, so I’m an elder emo and this above song always put me in a hopefully dark mood, I connected instantly when it first came out. If you know, you know
Newdrivehome 