That look
Reminds me to stay
It eats at me
Because I know I can’t
You smell like home
But I must go
We found us
But I’m still lost
Laying next to you
I awoke alone
Your ocean eyes
Drown my mind
Time.
We’ll eventually be found.
-
-
I’m currently writing this in residential rehab/treatment. A place I never thought I would ever end up. I did my absolute to hide my functional addict side of me. I was working a full-time job, writing, and dealing with everyday life; all this while drinking handles of vodka each day.
I had become a professional at hiding the severity of my problem while fighting with my dark passenger. Although I was functioning (at 60%), I eventually got to a consumption level that made me feel like a captain drilling a hole through the bottom of the ship. Sinking slowly.
One the slowly sinking ship started taking water…I started to notice. Always being self aware and logical I was worried at how this happening was even possible. But the truth is…im an alcoholic.
I ended up in Denver three weeks ago, visiting my now ex-girlfriend, staying with her and missing flight after flight back home.
I came to the conclusion that I needed help so, while some force guided me to it; I went to a hospital to safely detox from the withdraws. Now i’m here, 7 days sober in rehab…meeting new people daily. Days full of therapy and meetings and nights in AA and CA meeting. I am content in this moment and look forward for what is to come.
Feel free to comment or share your story…being connected helps on this journey
-
I hear your breath next to me and feel safe
Should it be that way?
Maybe it does make sense
Ignore outside thoughts
Because no one else makes me feel this way
Everything is a mess
But we navigate it perfectly
But this is all for us
We both hate it’s become this
But it makes sense
So we’re not wrong
Right?
If you’re in the morning
Then we both won…
We’ll figure it out
In time.
Don’t ever leave.
-
I can’t find a place where i seem to fit in
Until I found a place with new found friends
A place where a new life begins
And old relationships end
A place where Liars thieves users make amends
No mater what misfits who feel judged
Is what Misfits Friday’s are made of
Misfits Fridays are the Fridays that we Misfits love.
-By Garrett Olds, a guest poet/writer. He’s talented and those words were from him.
-
You’ve always been my favorite.
It’s always been trash day here,
So the mornings feel like a Thursday.
But I love you for more than this.
I shine better on this day, every week.
I’ve never known why…
My favorite band was named after you,
Thursday. I have a tattoo for you.
I was married on a Thursday
And divorced on a Thursday.
But I won’t hold that against you…
After all…you’re only a day
And I have to visit you weekly
So yeah, it’s true.
Thursday is my favorite day of the week.
Do I need to have a solid reason?
-
Newdrivehomeblog #62
“Peter Bjorn and John – Young Folks”
I feel it’s been creeping up on me slowly and I’m not sure how to feel about it; physically I feel fine, mentally…I understand how its grasp affects me.
I’m still figuring it out and I’m in a better position than twenty-two year old me was in…is that really saying things positive? I digress to say this to be too depressed, dark, or unappreciative, but I feel I have enough life knowledge and intellect to have been further than to be where I am now.
I’ve been afforded some pretty amazing opportunities over the years in my life and I feel I have an apt to fumble it. Why? Is what Im asking myself everyday. I feel like I’m not alone in that feeling but I enjoy having the able to listen to songs like this to take me to simpler times. Not to say I don’t enjoy life…because I do.
Being around people that are younger and the lack of insight they have…it worries me. Because what advice could I give them to be where they want to be before the years begin to pass faster like an early spring thunderstorm.
I enjoy being positive in my life for myself and those around me but all of those thoughts still appear in the back of my complex mind. The years have made it easier to navigate the future. I just hope I can help be the light to take others to their ideal destination.
-
Although the wind blows
over the prairie
the temperature
reminds of the end of winter
the end of the short days
the long nights of uncertainty
it feels like a delayed flight
to meet with someone
someone you want to see again
far away and close
looking directly at you
waiting to depart
days go with this tease
saying I’m here
but not here yet
like an invite
the date isn’t here yet
but close
and around the corner
springs invitation
asks us all inside
-
Sometimes we fail
And it feels optimistic
To run, fly, and sail
Gaining insight in your steps
The sun bright ahead
Weaponizing your missteps
Breathing slow again
Breeze on your face
As you whisper amen
Insight has been gained
Though never expected
Problems finally drained
Prepare for the next time
It’ll be a shorter climb
Maybe. 😉
-
Newdrivehome Blog # 61
(My Chemical Romance – I’m not okay)
So, although I’ve been reluctant to admit…my life has been on pause. For whoever is reading this, that simply means I’m not failing…or winning enough to feel anything is a win or loss. I’m stuck where I am currently. After the move back home and the breaking of my engagement, with someone I truly loved; learning myself and figuring how to be moderately center, is FUCKING confusing.
I feel I’m more on the spiral track on a train that will not derail…because I have control, even if that control is a facade at times. Although it feels devastation, missing what it was with her back in Denver…feeling I failed after another college dropout and still unsure what I’m doing in life…I make the best of it.
Whether it be at my job…taking half of a saturday with a co-worker that actually make it enjoyable to pick up trash from the premise (even if you almost passed out lol), or taking the time to enjoy the beautiful of the night sky and the stars, planes, and satellites that fill the sky while on a walk with my dog. Or how a feeling a song gives me and changes my entire vibe. And how the understanding that not EVERYTHING needs an answer right now helps me get a grip of the chaos of daily life. Find those moments.
Life, or my life recently are about those moments. There’s laughter and smiles in every minute of the day…I always felt I fully absorbed those times but now I understand them. I’m now figuring out how to act accordingly.
Oh yeah…also, this is a music-ish blog, so I’m an elder emo and this above song always put me in a hopefully dark mood, I connected instantly when it first came out. If you know, you know
-
It’s quiet.
The kind of quiet that leaves me with thoughts
Thoughts I’d rather not have.
An ironic peaceful that fits
Once the white blanket hits
Cold and calm is how it deceits you
Beautiful and calmly
Is where it’s beauty takes you
Winter has a new name
Not winter, snow, or new
It’s a night alone
A night without you.
Snow still falls and I’ll enjoy it all
Thinking of you…us and our fall
I’ll smile and absorb it’s call
Those nights aren’t us…they’re for me.
-
My Phone.
On silent, shakes violently.
Only one short hour after I drifted to sleep.
Kept in perpetual insomnia.
Slept nights rarely visit me these days.
Days for short hours of dreamland vacations.
Awoke.
Quite abruptly, its 4am.
I missed your call as my mind rested
Dreams of our prevailing love
Reality hits as I study the screen
We haven't spoken for a week
Mutual is a broken word
It seems.
You’re a planet away
As I reciprocate your call
Are you coming back to our world?
Home. Rooted and grounded.
As it was in our story's prologue.
I call.
No answer.
I hear my phone ring, its you.
I answer. Your voice tells me to fly to you…
I feel complete in that brief moment
Your cadence and tone
Leading me to the fate we found.
Your warmth finding me again
Your laugh taking my breath
Your absence being felt
My eyes
Open slowly as the alarm tells me to start the day
Our end.
Is where I start every morning
Our utopia is now a nightmare,
Each night when I close my eyes
Bittersweet thoughts.
You’re here and gone as I sleep
Missing everywhere else.
The New Norm -
Newdrivehome blog #60
(Hans Zimmer – Interstellar Main Theme)
How often do you find a song and film combination that changes something inside of the emotional nostalgia deep inside of you?
It is rare. That’s all I can say when it comes to the entire emotional mindtrip I first encountered viewing “Interstellar” for the first time. In my VERY biased opinion, it is one of the best films to capture space, time, and the human journey through mortality, and capture it so well. I’m not afraid to admit it is one of the few films that make me tear up (cry). A lot of the emotions in the movie were relatable, it reminded me that we are, in fact, trapped in our linear timeline (at least in our dimension).
I felt Cooper’s longing towards the middle of the film…to just be home again. I remember feeling knots in my stomach as it was fully understood that there was no initial plan to come home. The Hans Zimmer soundtrack complimented the Nolan direction perfectly and reminded me how much I love music and film.
I recently, for the 10 year anniversary, saw the movie in IMAX and it definitely made the experience more…real. Listening to the entire soundtrack throughout the movie in that theater I imagined and asked myself if I were ever to make the choice to leave home with the danger of lost time or death. Cooper sending those messages to Murph in the third act reminded me of an augmented feeling I’ve experienced often.
Going through old videos, pictures, memories of better times, and nostalgia of those memories. Along with those moments come with the regrets of the choices made in the past and the wish to go back and do things different. Just as it was stated and shown in the movie…it’s possible to go forward into time but impossible to go back.
The question is: Would you want to?
When I was younger I always wanted to change the past and I, mainly recently (this movie helped), came to my conclusion that I wouldn’t want to. Although I’m not on a rocketship in outer space, tumbling forward in time, on life here on earth…I have time to learn from past decisions, heartbreaks, and downfalls. Isn’t there a comfort knowing that we have the time to learn, advance, and adapt to those times in life and make better decisions to make a better future for ourselves?
-
Newdrivehome Blog # 59
(Aspen Kleine – Don’t Panic)
I can’t explain how music, or certain songs make me feel a certain way, bring energy in my life, and take me to the warm place in my mind…but I love it. This entire blog was born from hearing the very first verse of this song…”Don’t Panic”. The production is so calming, dreamy, nostalgic, and fitting of a cold winter night. The vocals are just so fitting and I am not sure why this song is not more well known. Take a listen above and read the rest of the blog below to see the words that this song inspired.
The words of this song seem so fitting tonight. I don’t ever recall the winter feeling this crisp and cold; it’s a bittersweet feeling between a love/hate relationship with cabin fever. The winter is vibing differently this year, I cant fully find the proper words to give this sensation an invaluable description…but I’ll attempt to capture what radiates from me while deep in thought and dodging this frigid night.
Growth is a word that seems to appear in my mind; for most of my life the winters days and nights marked the beginning of me and millions of others’ seasonal affective disorder season. Always it felt so overwhelming and hopeless…the past few years I’ve been processing everything in life from a different perspective. I have always been introspective and a deep thinker but it always left me in a rut, overthinking (which I still will ALWAYS have that stat on my player card), and unable to stop dwelling on things I can’t or won’t fully work through.
It seems like an easy answer…just stop doing that. Right? If only it worked in the way it does in the movies. The 5-minute music montages in the third act in movies, when the main protagonist finally comes full circle with a new understanding of their life…doesn’t happen easily. I’m actually grateful it doesn’t happen like it does in coming of age films…because the battles, dark times, and suffering during those evolving points in life are what makes life, for me…beautiful. Although it’s taken years…I’ve learned it’s possible to use the overstimulation and overthinking of life as an advantage for me. Its different for each person and although I’m not exactly where I want to be right now…I’m content enough to be motivated to move further. The cold winter nights are not as hopeless as they were in the past.
That growth and realization alone should be enough, but now that I have a grasp on this new perspective I am building everything that has been on pause and challenging myself to continue building and keeping that vibe and aura I’ve always had; only now it’s augmented. Ive started working out and jogging again too. Also, I decided to live life without the “help” of alcohol anymore, which I will talk about in later blogs. Until then…take care of you and those around you. See you on the next one.
Newdrivehome 