It’s a strange, eerie, and emotional feeling when you know its all ending. Although, it seems VERY over the top to say that…but the ending I’m speaking about is my lost, emotionally, quiet crash away from my addiction to alcohol. Although those close to me have witnessed this…I’ve been exhausted trying to mask its effects on anyone else around.
Feeling like a secret agent hiding my real identity away from anyone…and I don’t want to do it anymore. So instead of finding a better way to live with it…I’ve decided to kick it from my life, thanks to doctors advice…and support, its time.
In this battle I’ve never felt more alone and overwhelmed in this battle. My hope is others reading this blog will connect and understand this battle and know they aren’t alone. Because you aren’t…I feel I am, but in reality I’m not and you aren’t either. It’s step one and as long as I continue writing and SOMEONE out there is reading…I think I’ll be alright. Keep your positive thoughts to me and I’ll do the same! I chose this song for this blog because I feel like “everything is embarrassing” when it comes to becoming sober and figuring yourself out…yeah, does that make sense?? And as Sky says in the song, “I know you’re trying…”
I’m currently writing…back home back in Nebraska, (I had to move back), just getting home from work…and absolutely miserable. I’ve avoided having to speak/repeat any of these things that happened over the past couple months…purposely. And for whatever reason I am doing this on this blog, over the internet…for a bunch of strangers. (Call it group therapy?). I cant decide if the emotions or WHERE to start is what has been keeping me from writing this…clearly its both.
Prior to the start of this summer, by pure luck I met someone (a friend) at my work in Denver (Westminster), that for whatever reason…wanted me to join her at a party downtown a week later. So I obliged and while there I ran into her sister’s friend, someone else (whose name I can’t write here). She was going to CU Denver and absolutely beautiful and wonderful…personality full of sarcastic nonsense and random wit. It mirrored myself in the companion way that just felt…right. I initially felt she was out of my league and the more I engaged in the out of this world conversations with her…I didn’t want to leave without knowing I would have the opportunity to speak with her again. She felt the same way.
Over the next weeks, although I was working and barely surviving the Denver economy…while she was at college, she kept me around. So I would travel via public transport (secretly) after work to see her and honestly I fell in love with her…and she fell in love with me. My nonsense didn’t bother her and her nonsense, made me more attracted. The dream ended prematurely though…when we found out in July that she was pregnant and although we both wanted to KEEP our lil secret (they even had a name!)…her father found out and everything changed…he threatened to stop paying her apartment and tuition for college if we kept our lil human…so the decision was made to terminate. It hurt me AND her, it felt like a part of me died since I had no say about the matter…and I am still fucked up about it. I think “Brick” is the perfect song fit, based on the content and vibe alone…I spent many nights alone & crying about everything over this summer; but, you know where to find/contact me “E”. Im still here…
Although I was broken, am still broken and have been struggling alone since you and your fam left for a 6 week trip, days after our “appointment”…I miss you. Maybe it was meant to be a temporary thing? But at the end of the day…life was hell right after you left and I know you feel the same…so ill swallow my pride and say…I’m always here for you “E”…whenever you need to talk. I understand both sides but it still wrecks me every day…and its not your fault, promise.
If anyone reading this can connect, share, email, or comment below…that’d be rad…I don’t think I’m the only one that’s been through this type of situation…
It’s another crazy day for me, figuring it out…seeing the beauty of it all. I’ve been back living in Denver for 6 months as of May 11th. But more importantly, waking up every day and still seeing the same person looking back at me in the mirror has been fantastic and odd…at least in my eyes. I look the same; although years have passed and things run differently now but I feel I have a better understanding of the world around me…why I avoided challenge, and why my best decision I made was to dive into…everything!
I feel like Cameron Crowe, the movie he directed “Vanilla Sky” and the song that this blog is about Untitled # 4 by Sigur Ros has always made me feel so full of life…even if I felt depressed, it just made me feel like I should appreciate life. I remember first renting this movie in 2000 when I was 13. We lived across the street from an Albertsons in rural Nebraska and they rented DVDs for $1. Mom rented it and I watched the movie that NOW I realize changed my life and Sigur Ros’ music has stuck with me for decades. I really hope all of you take the time to get away from your life to listen this song and appreciate the night sky and the world around you. You only live once.
When I think of honest, romantic, and perfect songs…this song always rings all the right bells. The piano, melody, and lyrics…it delivers a feeling I can’t even put to words:
For me…it represents the love I am yet to find, because at the end of the day that’s what I look for…every day and all of the lonely nights. What I love about this song is that it makes me normal for feeling okay about finding that love. The confidence and poetic wordage of this song will never make me feel it’s less than a perfect love poem.
I’ve been silent on the website and here over the past few weeks…I didn’t fully realize what “being overwhelmed” meant…but it happened. And I couldn’t write a blog/status to save my life. I just shut down.
The last few weeks have been the most difficult for me…since I moved back to Denver. Nothing out of the norm…or “crazy”. I think that adjusting to thing is a real thing. I’ve loved the hell of it and can’t wait for what happens in the future. It’s a long weird journey but I’m excited for it.
So, in closing…I love this track. This remix captures everything I’ve ever felt about staring into the night sky to feel at peace…I can’t do it in the the city but this song captures it enough, to make a listen and a night walk outside enough to capture the vibe. Nights like tonight…a #leapday night listening to this is fitting.
If I’m being honest…I truly didn’t think a “TikTok” song could let me cry…but this one did, for hours. The message, lyrics, whatever you’re into…before you read my blog about it, please just listen to this song…for the lyrics and message.
For the first time…in over a decade this song made me comfortable about my life. I hate openly about my faults and addictions. It humbled me to talk about all of this…and it scares me. But, it’s also why I launched the website (newdrivehome.com).
The website is my therapy. I’ve been down before and I’ve been stuck in the never cycle loop of addiction…for a decade, or more. And I’ve seen SO MANY I’ve cared about and loved…end up dead or lost forever. This song reminds me that I’m still here and my heart breaks for everyone we lost in this battle…but accepting is the first step.
It’s a process and I can’t feel guilty anymore…I decided to do better. It’ll always be hard on my heart…but that’s why my therapy (this website) lets me express it….otherwise I’d go insane. Just remember I’m always here to talk. Get a hold of me.
I’m Not perfect…my booze benders remind me of that. But I’ll always listen. Enjoy your night and appreciate every moment in life. I love you!
Say whatever you want about Coldplay…but this song is my ultimate “feel good” song when I’m feeling down about the world around me. The heart and the deep of the lyrics of this song are unforgettable.
The last bridge when the guitars and climax happen will always feel and hear like power. It reminds me of running from the fire of life and winning. Because I’ve always understood that I need to fix myself too…but when you’re that invested into others around, fixing those becomes the only mission. Music doesn’t have a “limit” or “genre”…music is music, and this song will always have a place in my heart.
Here’s for hoping that I find someone that can appreciate my nonsense heart.
I’ve always loved this song and EVERYTHING Marie or “girl in red” has released. But until I moved back to Denver…and had the clarity to understand the lyrics of this song that it made sense.
I feel I’m always awkward in real life, that’s me…and I love it. But I’m always able to strike a conversation and learn about another’s life…and for me, talking, learning, and helping those around me is more important. Whether a few words or a smile…for me that’s where my serotonin comes from.
Honestly I’m not where I expected to be at this point in my life…and the intrusive thoughts takeover throughout the day but I “count my blessings”…and appreciate everyone that’s been around since I came back to Colorado (everyone in my life honestly) and I hope everyone understands life is a learning process that you have to adapt to…hate it or not.
This song, the vibe, the melody, never gets old for me…even on those days that it’s hard to get out of bed. Take a listen to this single/entire album if you get a chance.
It’s so beautiful, the music, vocals, and how it’s been distributed…it’s perfect. From the orchestra, drums…there’s something about that reminds of that entire era, it was real and you can’t deny that. Every time I hear it, it takes me back to earth. Kurt wrote music about what he saw and it blows my mind that’s what drove me insane. Because I understand that…dark world is when we live now. I can’t deep dive it more right now (for this song). I just LOVE it. Read more on newdrivehome.com I deep dive music that changed me.
I always thought I had a true problem…loving country music and metal. But this song alone made me feel there isn’t a such thing as “genre”. Music is music and I’ll always love and respect all of it. This song twists the genres. I’ve always love and grown up on…it feels good. It reminds me that it’s okay to fully be myself…no matter how awkward, random it is. It sounds and feels good. That’s all matters. Thanks for my Colorado brothers I’ve tagged. Diversity always feels good.
I’ve never deep dived or written about a song that has haunted me. For me…being haunted with a song isn’t always a bad thing because every time I listen and feel the lyrics, the smooth vocals of Hope Sandoval, and the music of Mazzy Star…I’m haunted. I feel the song (although the lyrics are vague) is about unrequited love and I’ve always felt it’s a romantic way of singing about its chaotic nature aloud.
Calming and timeless…I fell in love with Hope Sandovals emotional vocals decades ago and I still feel it every time I listen.
When I recall my teen years and the music that helped shape my entire existence, Brandon Boyd and Incubus alone created an entire genre their selves. I remember the music video at particular the “Morning View Sessions” videos.
I’ve loved “Morning View” and every album Incubus has been released. There’s something about the drums at the beginning of “Wish You Were Here”…the rhythm, the vocals. It’s close to perfection.
Listening to this when I was 15 unknowingly changed how I view the world. Listening now when I’ve been deep diving music I love for the blog…it hits deeper. It’s stands alone and it’s one of the view songs that I can call “an everyday song” because no matter the day, vibe, or feeling I’m in…this song will always fit. I miss the old days but I love that I found that point in my life that reminiscing adds to value my life.
First and most importantly…I love Cameron Crowe and every film he’s written/directed throughout his career; and although I’ve loved this Elton John song since I was a kid, I feel Crowe’s film “Almost Famous” cemented as a perfect mood song for me.
If you haven’t seen this film…there’s a scene towards the end of the second act that really changed the entire mood of the movie. After the singer “rockstar” quits the band and parties at a random midwest house, the band bus picks him up and although everyone on board is clearly upset and unsure, this song plays and everyone on the bus sings along.
You need to see the scene if you haven’t but the way this sing along with the entire bus changes the vibe has always moved me. It reminds me of my love of music and how much music means to me. It’s almost spiritual how music can move me, change my mood, and help me get through life every day. I’ll never complain about that part of me.
I’m sure you’ve heard this song prior to reading this…but read this blog and take a few minutes to listen and absorb the perfection of Elton John’s songwriting in this song…it’s a classic and always will be.
Newdrivehome 