It’s quiet.
The kind of quiet that leaves me with thoughts
Thoughts I’d rather not have.
An ironic peaceful that fits
Once the white blanket hits
Cold and calm is how it deceits you
Beautiful and calmly
Is where it’s beauty takes you
Winter has a new name
Not winter, snow, or new
It’s a night alone
A night without you.
Snow still falls and I’ll enjoy it all
Thinking of you…us and our fall
I’ll smile and absorb it’s call
Those nights aren’t us…they’re for me.
My Phone.
On silent, shakes violently.
Only one short hour after I drifted to sleep.
Kept in perpetual insomnia.
Slept nights rarely visit me these days.
Days for short hours of dreamland vacations.
Awoke.
Quite abruptly, its 4am.
I missed your call as my mind rested
Dreams of our prevailing love
Reality hits as I study the screen
We haven't spoken for a week
Mutual is a broken word
It seems.
You’re a planet away
As I reciprocate your call
Are you coming back to our world?
Home. Rooted and grounded.
As it was in our story's prologue.
I call.
No answer.
I hear my phone ring, its you.
I answer. Your voice tells me to fly to you…
I feel complete in that brief moment
Your cadence and tone
Leading me to the fate we found.
Your warmth finding me again
Your laugh taking my breath
Your absence being felt
My eyes
Open slowly as the alarm tells me to start the day
Our end.
Is where I start every morning
Our utopia is now a nightmare,
Each night when I close my eyes
Bittersweet thoughts.
You’re here and gone as I sleep
Missing everywhere else.
The New Norm
Newdrivehome blog #60
(Hans Zimmer – Interstellar Main Theme)
How often do you find a song and film combination that changes something inside of the emotional nostalgia deep inside of you?
It is rare. That’s all I can say when it comes to the entire emotional mindtrip I first encountered viewing “Interstellar” for the first time. In my VERY biased opinion, it is one of the best films to capture space, time, and the human journey through mortality, and capture it so well. I’m not afraid to admit it is one of the few films that make me tear up (cry). A lot of the emotions in the movie were relatable, it reminded me that we are, in fact, trapped in our linear timeline (at least in our dimension).
I felt Cooper’s longing towards the middle of the film…to just be home again. I remember feeling knots in my stomach as it was fully understood that there was no initial plan to come home. The Hans Zimmer soundtrack complimented the Nolan direction perfectly and reminded me how much I love music and film.
I recently, for the 10 year anniversary, saw the movie in IMAX and it definitely made the experience more…real. Listening to the entire soundtrack throughout the movie in that theater I imagined and asked myself if I were ever to make the choice to leave home with the danger of lost time or death. Cooper sending those messages to Murph in the third act reminded me of an augmented feeling I’ve experienced often.
Going through old videos, pictures, memories of better times, and nostalgia of those memories. Along with those moments come with the regrets of the choices made in the past and the wish to go back and do things different. Just as it was stated and shown in the movie…it’s possible to go forward into time but impossible to go back.
The question is: Would you want to?
When I was younger I always wanted to change the past and I, mainly recently (this movie helped), came to my conclusion that I wouldn’t want to. Although I’m not on a rocketship in outer space, tumbling forward in time, on life here on earth…I have time to learn from past decisions, heartbreaks, and downfalls. Isn’t there a comfort knowing that we have the time to learn, advance, and adapt to those times in life and make better decisions to make a better future for ourselves?
Newdrivehome Blog # 59
(Aspen Kleine – Don’t Panic)
I can’t explain how music, or certain songs make me feel a certain way, bring energy in my life, and take me to the warm place in my mind…but I love it. This entire blog was born from hearing the very first verse of this song…”Don’t Panic”. The production is so calming, dreamy, nostalgic, and fitting of a cold winter night. The vocals are just so fitting and I am not sure why this song is not more well known. Take a listen above and read the rest of the blog below to see the words that this song inspired.
The words of this song seem so fitting tonight. I don’t ever recall the winter feeling this crisp and cold; it’s a bittersweet feeling between a love/hate relationship with cabin fever. The winter is vibing differently this year, I cant fully find the proper words to give this sensation an invaluable description…but I’ll attempt to capture what radiates from me while deep in thought and dodging this frigid night.
Growth is a word that seems to appear in my mind; for most of my life the winters days and nights marked the beginning of me and millions of others’ seasonal affective disorder season. Always it felt so overwhelming and hopeless…the past few years I’ve been processing everything in life from a different perspective. I have always been introspective and a deep thinker but it always left me in a rut, overthinking (which I still will ALWAYS have that stat on my player card), and unable to stop dwelling on things I can’t or won’t fully work through.
It seems like an easy answer…just stop doing that. Right? If only it worked in the way it does in the movies. The 5-minute music montages in the third act in movies, when the main protagonist finally comes full circle with a new understanding of their life…doesn’t happen easily. I’m actually grateful it doesn’t happen like it does in coming of age films…because the battles, dark times, and suffering during those evolving points in life are what makes life, for me…beautiful. Although it’s taken years…I’ve learned it’s possible to use the overstimulation and overthinking of life as an advantage for me. Its different for each person and although I’m not exactly where I want to be right now…I’m content enough to be motivated to move further. The cold winter nights are not as hopeless as they were in the past.
That growth and realization alone should be enough, but now that I have a grasp on this new perspective I am building everything that has been on pause and challenging myself to continue building and keeping that vibe and aura I’ve always had; only now it’s augmented. Ive started working out and jogging again too. Also, I decided to live life without the “help” of alcohol anymore, which I will talk about in later blogs. Until then…take care of you and those around you. See you on the next one.
Newdrivehome Blog # 58
(Sky Ferreira – Everything is Embarrassing)
It’s a strange, eerie, and emotional feeling when you know its all ending. Although, it seems VERY over the top to say that…but the ending I’m speaking about is my lost, emotionally, quiet crash away from my addiction to alcohol. Although those close to me have witnessed this…I’ve been exhausted trying to mask its effects on anyone else around.
Feeling like a secret agent hiding my real identity away from anyone…and I don’t want to do it anymore. So instead of finding a better way to live with it…I’ve decided to kick it from my life, thanks to doctors advice…and support, its time.
In this battle I’ve never felt more alone and overwhelmed in this battle. My hope is others reading this blog will connect and understand this battle and know they aren’t alone. Because you aren’t…I feel I am, but in reality I’m not and you aren’t either. It’s step one and as long as I continue writing and SOMEONE out there is reading…I think I’ll be alright. Keep your positive thoughts to me and I’ll do the same! I chose this song for this blog because I feel like “everything is embarrassing” when it comes to becoming sober and figuring yourself out…yeah, does that make sense?? And as Sky says in the song, “I know you’re trying…”
Newdrivehome Blog # 57
(Ben Folds Five – Brick)
I’m currently writing…back home back in Nebraska, (I had to move back), just getting home from work…and absolutely miserable. I’ve avoided having to speak/repeat any of these things that happened over the past couple months…purposely. And for whatever reason I am doing this on this blog, over the internet…for a bunch of strangers. (Call it group therapy?). I cant decide if the emotions or WHERE to start is what has been keeping me from writing this…clearly its both.
Prior to the start of this summer, by pure luck I met someone (a friend) at my work in Denver (Westminster), that for whatever reason…wanted me to join her at a party downtown a week later. So I obliged and while there I ran into her sister’s friend, someone else (whose name I can’t write here). She was going to CU Denver and absolutely beautiful and wonderful…personality full of sarcastic nonsense and random wit. It mirrored myself in the companion way that just felt…right. I initially felt she was out of my league and the more I engaged in the out of this world conversations with her…I didn’t want to leave without knowing I would have the opportunity to speak with her again. She felt the same way.
Over the next weeks, although I was working and barely surviving the Denver economy…while she was at college, she kept me around. So I would travel via public transport (secretly) after work to see her and honestly I fell in love with her…and she fell in love with me. My nonsense didn’t bother her and her nonsense, made me more attracted. The dream ended prematurely though…when we found out in July that she was pregnant and although we both wanted to KEEP our lil secret (they even had a name!)…her father found out and everything changed…he threatened to stop paying her apartment and tuition for college if we kept our lil human…so the decision was made to terminate. It hurt me AND her, it felt like a part of me died since I had no say about the matter…and I am still fucked up about it. I think “Brick” is the perfect song fit, based on the content and vibe alone…I spent many nights alone & crying about everything over this summer; but, you know where to find/contact me “E”. Im still here…
Although I was broken, am still broken and have been struggling alone since you and your fam left for a 6 week trip, days after our “appointment”…I miss you. Maybe it was meant to be a temporary thing? But at the end of the day…life was hell right after you left and I know you feel the same…so ill swallow my pride and say…I’m always here for you “E”…whenever you need to talk. I understand both sides but it still wrecks me every day…and its not your fault, promise.
If anyone reading this can connect, share, email, or comment below…that’d be rad…I don’t think I’m the only one that’s been through this type of situation…
Newdrivehome Blog # 57
(Sigur Ros – Untitled #4)
It’s another crazy day for me, figuring it out…seeing the beauty of it all. I’ve been back living in Denver for 6 months as of May 11th. But more importantly, waking up every day and still seeing the same person looking back at me in the mirror has been fantastic and odd…at least in my eyes. I look the same; although years have passed and things run differently now but I feel I have a better understanding of the world around me…why I avoided challenge, and why my best decision I made was to dive into…everything!
I feel like Cameron Crowe, the movie he directed “Vanilla Sky” and the song that this blog is about Untitled # 4 by Sigur Ros has always made me feel so full of life…even if I felt depressed, it just made me feel like I should appreciate life. I remember first renting this movie in 2000 when I was 13. We lived across the street from an Albertsons in rural Nebraska and they rented DVDs for $1. Mom rented it and I watched the movie that NOW I realize changed my life and Sigur Ros’ music has stuck with me for decades. I really hope all of you take the time to get away from your life to listen this song and appreciate the night sky and the world around you. You only live once.
Newdrivehome blog #56
(John Legend – All Of Me)
When I think of honest, romantic, and perfect songs…this song always rings all the right bells. The piano, melody, and lyrics…it delivers a feeling I can’t even put to words:
For me…it represents the love I am yet to find, because at the end of the day that’s what I look for…every day and all of the lonely nights. What I love about this song is that it makes me normal for feeling okay about finding that love. The confidence and poetic wordage of this song will never make me feel it’s less than a perfect love poem.
Newdrivehome blog #55
(Rufus Du Sol – Innerbloom (what so not remix)
I’ve been silent on the website and here over the past few weeks…I didn’t fully realize what “being overwhelmed” meant…but it happened. And I couldn’t write a blog/status to save my life. I just shut down.
The last few weeks have been the most difficult for me…since I moved back to Denver. Nothing out of the norm…or “crazy”. I think that adjusting to thing is a real thing. I’ve loved the hell of it and can’t wait for what happens in the future. It’s a long weird journey but I’m excited for it.
So, in closing…I love this track. This remix captures everything I’ve ever felt about staring into the night sky to feel at peace…I can’t do it in the the city but this song captures it enough, to make a listen and a night walk outside enough to capture the vibe. Nights like tonight…a #leapday night listening to this is fitting.
Newdrivehome Blog # 54
(Honestav – I’d rather overdose)
If I’m being honest…I truly didn’t think a “TikTok” song could let me cry…but this one did, for hours. The message, lyrics, whatever you’re into…before you read my blog about it, please just listen to this song…for the lyrics and message.
For the first time…in over a decade this song made me comfortable about my life. I hate openly about my faults and addictions. It humbled me to talk about all of this…and it scares me. But, it’s also why I launched the website (newdrivehome.com).
The website is my therapy. I’ve been down before and I’ve been stuck in the never cycle loop of addiction…for a decade, or more. And I’ve seen SO MANY I’ve cared about and loved…end up dead or lost forever. This song reminds me that I’m still here and my heart breaks for everyone we lost in this battle…but accepting is the first step.
It’s a process and I can’t feel guilty anymore…I decided to do better. It’ll always be hard on my heart…but that’s why my therapy (this website) lets me express it….otherwise I’d go insane. Just remember I’m always here to talk. Get a hold of me.
I’m Not perfect…my booze benders remind me of that. But I’ll always listen. Enjoy your night and appreciate every moment in life. I love you!
Newdrivehome Blog # 53
(Coldplay – Fix You)
Say whatever you want about Coldplay…but this song is my ultimate “feel good” song when I’m feeling down about the world around me. The heart and the deep of the lyrics of this song are unforgettable.
The last bridge when the guitars and climax happen will always feel and hear like power. It reminds me of running from the fire of life and winning. Because I’ve always understood that I need to fix myself too…but when you’re that invested into others around, fixing those becomes the only mission. Music doesn’t have a “limit” or “genre”…music is music, and this song will always have a place in my heart.
Here’s for hoping that I find someone that can appreciate my nonsense heart.
Newdrivehome Blog # 52
(girl in red – serotonin)
I’ve always loved this song and EVERYTHING Marie or “girl in red” has released. But until I moved back to Denver…and had the clarity to understand the lyrics of this song that it made sense.
I feel I’m always awkward in real life, that’s me…and I love it. But I’m always able to strike a conversation and learn about another’s life…and for me, talking, learning, and helping those around me is more important. Whether a few words or a smile…for me that’s where my serotonin comes from.
Honestly I’m not where I expected to be at this point in my life…and the intrusive thoughts takeover throughout the day but I “count my blessings”…and appreciate everyone that’s been around since I came back to Colorado (everyone in my life honestly) and I hope everyone understands life is a learning process that you have to adapt to…hate it or not.
This song, the vibe, the melody, never gets old for me…even on those days that it’s hard to get out of bed. Take a listen to this single/entire album if you get a chance.
Newdrivehome Blog # 51
(Nirvana – Something in the Way)
It’s so beautiful, the music, vocals, and how it’s been distributed…it’s perfect. From the orchestra, drums…there’s something about that reminds of that entire era, it was real and you can’t deny that. Every time I hear it, it takes me back to earth. Kurt wrote music about what he saw and it blows my mind that’s what drove me insane. Because I understand that…dark world is when we live now. I can’t deep dive it more right now (for this song). I just LOVE it. Read more on newdrivehome.com I deep dive music that changed me.
Newdrivehome 