“Thought a drink would get you off my mind. I ain’t sayin’ I love you, but I might”

Newdrivehome Blog #40

(Morgan Wallen – 865)

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I’ve had to rethink my life decisions over the past week & half…I’ve been working hard to re-build my life over the past year and it’s been miserable but I’ve loved the journey learning how “doing my absolute best” meant. After bad decisions and years of being on the wrong track…trying my best to grow and do better after doing things that destroyed who I am. I’ve truly taken accountability and I feel like I’ve been doing good and although it’s a slow process…I’ve been on the right track.

I’ve heard about red flags and how destroying it is to return back to a toxic EX and although I’m an intelligent person I somehow chose a few nights of comfort to silent my loneliness. It almost derailed every thing Ive built and although I can only blame myself…it still hurts.

After my last fiancé and I split in 2019 we still kept close and even though we broke up we kept seeing each other up until 2 days ago…even though she ended up getting married to someone else and eventually got divorced. I was still there, losing myself (morally) in the process. Although I felt and still feel guilty about it…it continued because she was my best friend and the only one that understood how deeply I felt about the world and the only one I had deep conversations about how difficult it truly is to be different in the world around us.

I’ve dealt with depression for half my life and it felt good to not be alone on that road…while figuring out life. But in the end…she truly didn’t care. The story ended permanently today and I’m tired about feeling so terrible and trying my best, allowing manipulation to take me over in the process…just because I have a heart and care. I won’t name names or fully call someone out, but I started this blog to get things I feel out in the open. So, take it as you need.

This Morgan Wallen song sends the message best…somehow. Because when I hear the numbers of your phone number it’ll always remind me of you but I can drink, write, and be miserable without you. I’ll always taste you but I’ll be okay and eventually…my lips will be on a different, better drink (person).